Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
