I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
