I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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