She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
