He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
