you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
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