i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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