We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
