Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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