duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i drank out of a bidet.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
