Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
