I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
