im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
