I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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