How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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