So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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