I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
