I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
