Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
