glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So much Jack, so little girl.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
