i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
