He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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