I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
