oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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