so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
