so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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