i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
it was like having sex with a tree stump
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
