She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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