pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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