I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
