Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So drunk its hurt
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
