You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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