Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize