So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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