One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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