if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just found puke in my bra..
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
