My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
