Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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