Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
