if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
