if you like me you must not know who I am
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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