Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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