im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
