FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
