Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
