The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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