I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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