1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
