watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
