I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
