I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
