I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
