Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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