Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
