Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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