Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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