Kiss
Puke
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
