Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
