i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
