Don't you send me to vm
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
