i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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