I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
