it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
